This probably comes as a real shock. But this has been brewing for some time now. The main reason is that I feel I can't focus on the needs of my family like I think the Lord wants me to. This job of being here, and being an "employee" has had some real challenges to doing homeschooling, homemaking and being a wife and mother WELL. And I say well because I believe God's word when it tells me my job is serious stuff and it's to revolve around my husband and children in this season of little ones.
Titus 2:4-5 says:
"These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the Word of God."
And 1 Timothy 5:14
"...to marry, bear children, and take care of their own homes. and give the enemy no no occasion for reproach. "
I can clearly see that a woman's core (or primary or main) job should be caring for her family and giving them her best, not her leftovers. If she does not do this well, it actually brings shame on the Word of God. And gives the Devil a chance to slander it. Now this doesn't mean she can't do things outside the home, take on other tasks or work on language study. Please hear me on this. But it should mean that these things should not misdirect her greatest energy or care away from the sphere of the man and little people she was fit to help/serve. We can clearly see the Proverbs 31 women was busy! But her home and managing that well guided her tasks and filtered them.
Some women are able to find more balance, have less expected of them or choose not to school at home. And for us, schooling is not an area where our family has felt directed to change anything, as our passion for schooling at home for the little years remains strong. But for me - in my personal situation and with moving overseas, and with my children's ages alongside the specific requirements I have while being employed here has hindered my care for my family. I have re-ordered schedules many times, reduced my language hours as much as I'm able for the expectations upon me, and aimed to throw my heart into my family. But alas, with homeschooling two next year and adding another sweet baby I know my world will look even fuller (and I'm thrilled about all that). I will be the first to be honest enough to say I'm not okay with sacrificing that season because I'm trying to stay afloat with things I believe are far too heavy for a season of young mothering. God gave mothers the powerful description above to guard their minds from looking elsewhere, to ease their loads. And to give them boundaries with which to pour in all of their creativity, gifting, care and heart into the season of shaping little people who will grow up and be gone before they know it. I have had to remember that He is the one who designs me as a woman and sees how I will fit best in His economy. I can't go outside His design, even for "good things" and expect the same results. And one day (soon enough I know) my "free" time will return, I will have so much more time to devote to language study or relationships or crafting. These are all good, even glorious things that bring the Lord honor. But I must have them in the proper order. For me, they can't remain in proper order if we remain here.
Letting those words just typed sink in...it hurts to even say that because I so wish it would work. I say that with heart wrenching sadness because I've enjoyed life here. I love the people here. I never thought this would be our situation, leaving so early. I've learned so many things walking near the Lord here and seeing with such different eyes than I had back in my comfortable United States. That's why I named this post The Good News and The Bad News. Because this feels like bad news no matter how you slice this thing and it's hard, really hard. Yet my family has felt such leadership from a loving God in this decision. We have desired to bring Him glory in the way He chooses, we have sought counsel from our leadership and taken our time to map out our vision for healthy family life. We have arrived at this choice with much confidence that as we stand upon God's Word and trust His provision we "will see the Lord's goodness while we are here." (Ps. 27:13) And that is Good News! We are broken, needy sinners who can't possibly see to the end of every outcome. We can't possibly plan for years and keep ourselves afloat. We are weak. We are people who need a Rescuer in every sense of the word. And God remains true to us, just as true as the day our last item was sold and driven away in preparation to come here. I see Him in all of it and praise Him that He alone can get glory from things that feel broken and seem broken.
We leave with no shame or regret but we do leave feeling like people who are torn over their reality of living in a broken world where things don't turn out as you expected. I have dwelt upon Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world."
Thanks for wanting to always keep up with us, sharing this journey with us and I pray you've heard our hearts through this post...Please keep our family in your prayers.
