Exposing Culture Shock: Holy Groans.

There's been a lot on my mind this week. It's been one of those weeks that spiritual nourishment hasn't seemed to come easy. As this war for my heart rages on the shores of culture shock, I've needed to evaluate some wrong ideas of how the Christian life should look. A truth I've been chewing on and have set my heart to dwell on this upcoming week is simply:

Having deeper groans in this season IS grace.

What do I mean by that? I feel like I'm groaning a lot more than I have before in other seasons. I don't just mean grumbles I mean groans. Holy groans. Groaning because I want so much more right now. Groaning because I do miss my family. I do ache when I realize there's memories that will be made apart from us. Groaning cause this is hard. Groaning because I see so much shallowness in my trust of Jesus ... Because I realize now more than ever how held my heart is/was by earth. How narrow my views can become of what grace looks like right now, how grace feels. But I've been thinking about how groaning is right. Groaning is instructing me. The Word tells me:

Romans 8:23

And we believers groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us full rights as his adopted children.

Groaning is the sound of one caught between earth and heaven. Paul Tripp has said “Groaning is the default language of the Christian”. I think that's completely right but months ago I would have told you my groanings didn't go so deep. They've begun to sink in further as we've been here. I'm sure in my lifetime there are groanings deeper still that I know nothing of. But I don't have to pretend I'm not groaning. Indeed, if I do run from it or don't face them I rob the redemption right out of those holy sighs. God pursues me with my unsettledness and reminds me

...groaning is the plan Miranda. Groaning is my grace working deeper yearnings for spiritual things, things much fuller than those you set your love on before your groans unsettled you...

There's so much I've yet to learn about walking with a Father whose nature is so flaming with holiness, whose thoughts are so far from mine. He plans and directs and delights in seeing me loosen my grip on life...on control...on lesser loves...to liberate me. He knows I'll never find true peace or joy of soul when I'm white knuckled to the things of earth. Here's where I begin to see glimpses of grace in the groans.

What matters is what I do with my groans. God doesn't just want me to settle down comfortably into my groans but let them drive me outside of myself. Will I listen to my groaning? Holy groans tell me something. They show me I've been far too easily pleased. They remind me life isn't mine. That my ideas of grace and growth are far different than God's. That this earth indeed is not my home – no wonder I feel so uncomfortable. That I haven't yet receieved all that I know is mine. That I can't control life. But one thing is certain: If I don't turn with to Jesus with my groaning, it will simply bear no fruit.

I sometimes think that the whole of the Christians life is the art of asking questions. Our danger is just to allow things to happen to us and to endure them without saying anything apart from a groan, a grumble or a complaint.

Martyn-Lloyd Jones

To guard myself from this "danger" and press into God with my groans these next weeks, I'm going to slowly make my way through David Powlison's X-Ray Questions. This is a little booklet with 35 questions that help me see through to why I do what I do - to hear more clearly through my struggles. I will take it slow with a few questions a week, taking my time to work through brutally honest answers. I highly recommend this booklet if you find yourself looking for some good questioning too.

Whats New.

We've had a busy last couple weeks. Busy with the right things though, I think. Continuing to find our routine, which is not always easy nor quick. But I'm really wanting to let this time do a good work in my heart. It's often tiring and has many aching moments for what's familiar. But I want this "season" to till up some hard soil so fresh rain and growth make their way deep into the roots of this tree (me). Making Psalm 1 mine has filled my thoughts this week:

But she delights in the law of the LORD

meditating in it day and night.

She is like a tree planted along the riverbank

Bearing fruit in each season.

Her leaves never wither.

She prospers in all she does.

Life right now means language filled afternoons with Fridays off. For this month it means Fall is beginning her goodbye's and our days are shorter. We eagerly await snow's appearance in the next month - who knows what new things we will like/dislike by living in a snow filled city for almost half a year? Because of the chill I'm usually wearing a light jacket in the house (no heat yet). After the kids have drifted off and the quiet comes, I've been reading or watching an old season I've never seen of Biggest Loser. I'm usually eating chocolate or popcorn when I watch it though...not sure that's a normal reaction.

And enjoying schooling my first grader - we collected seeds this week for science! Using great books to teach all three has always been something I enjoy. I realize even more now how this time with my kiddos is an important beam in building up my home. It's not just "good" for everyone, it's pouring into their lives and finding time to enjoy being a mom in a season where things are still shifting.

Speaking of family... our families are incredible. Just look at the things that have been packed into a box filled with love, hugs and delight and made their way across the Pacific to our front door lately:

And trust me there was more. Body wash. Books. Candy. Craft stuff. Spices. A fall candle. Cards. A cute shirt. A brownie Pan. Little things that could easily be seen as frivolous but oh how they matter! Those little things remind me that I am thought of and known. Our whole little family is. And I value this stuff a gazillion times more than I would have had I nabbed it off the overflowing shelves at Target. They are gifts ... Undeserved gifts from the undeserved ones in our lives :)

Photo sketches: Our Nature Field

It's taken us a little while to find a place here we can get outside and play. There's not a lot of kids parks or grassy areas that are clean, open and somewhat secluded. Ever since my boys were little we have seen the value of getting them out to run around, interact with nature and enjoy the outdoors. Felicity is all too happy to explore flowers, grass and plants. That's why I am simply thankful for this chunk of free grass across from our apartment. Lined with trees to hide us a bit. Framed with patches of flowers and complete with a large tree perfect for climbing. I'm sure when winter blows through it will be a great place to romp in the snow. The kids have properly named it "Our Nature Field". Sometimes we just go and read books, eat a snack there and burn energy. Things like this speak mounds to my heart about how much God cares. The little things. Meeting needs for my family. This little Nature Field truly does

SHOUT. HIS. KINDNESS - to little ole' me - IN. A .THOUSAND.WAYS.

We admire flowers getting ready for winter.

We jump.

We chase butterflies.

We make wishes.

We laugh.

And I just sit back and enjoy the moments. Soak in his goodness. Taking it in and dwelling on what he has given, not just what I'm missing out on in America. And that really is good for my soul.

Hard Work.

I'm writing this sitting on my bed, near my small patio (actually let's call it what it is so there's no misconceptions - it's really my laundry room). The doors open. I see women in the courtyard hanging laundry. I hear women shoveling peanuts into a bag that they've dried out in the sun. I watched a group of them early this morning beating the corn off the husks in bags together. As I walk to buy vegetables or go get take out I wonder how they carry these long sticks across their shoulders that are filled with various heavy materials and don't give out in pain. There's no doubt about it ... women here work hard.

But what is my work look like right now? Certainly I'm called to work hard like the women I watch with such interest. They know their work and do it with resolve. They don't seem to wander around, wondering what their job is or whose job looks better. Do I work like that?

Since moving here I have been faced with the need for more clarity so I am doing the right things, not every. thing. Not someone. else's. thing. Being who God has made me, in this culture, while looking to His word for my parameters.

And I keep coming back to Titus 2.

...to love my husband

...to love my children

...to live wisely

...to be pure

...to work in my home

...to do good

...to be submissive to my husband

v.4-5

For me most of the time this is hard work! And it often doesn't feel grand but just looks like:

...cooking meals

...reviewing my language recordings

...changing sheets

...reading the same book to my little girl

...talking with my house helper

...biting my tongue

...making someone else's favorite meal instead of what I want

...feeling worn out

...asking for forgiveness from a 6, 4 & 3 year old

...moving out of my comfort to chat with neighbors

...inviting others in when I really want to be secluded with a book

Here's where I live. In the little moments. Our life really is made up of these, isn't it? And I'm choosing to plod in these areas that stretch me. Often failing but thankful I'm growing.

Simple Pleasures.

Enjoying tea for three on our patio this week.

Thoughtful friends bringing us Ms.Crocker's pumpkin spice cookie mix while traveling.

Wind with a bite to it that reminds me seasons faithfully come and go no matter what.

Snuggling on my bed with my kiddos while a downloaded football game plays at the foot of the bed.

This article that questions me to see if I'm really "all there" even when I'm with my kids. There's some one liners from this that are sure to make it onto a homemade sticky note around this house.

Exposing Culture Shock: This is the best possible life for me.

Photo

This past week has been rough. Various factors led to a sick body and a homesick gal. I want to preface this by saying that I want this blog to be a place that I can be honest with what the Lord's doing in my life and the growing pains I experience in moving overseas: the good, the bad and the ugly. I don't want this to be a blog for others to visit and just get a surface glimpse, nor to leave feeling like I live in another world than they do. I live in the daily grind: highs and lows, cycles of unbelief and repentance and battling to let my life line up with what I say I believe with my mouth.

With that said, I have noticed some lies creeping in as I've struggled this past week. I would consider this past week my first week experiencing what everyone calls "culture shock". I think some aspects of culture shock are valid as you struggle to figure out life in a new country, but I also realize a lot in my own heart is just various lies presenting themselves as truth to me. I think we all experience "culture shock" in various areas of our life, as we resist difficulties the Lord brings into our life or ways we resist His authority. So mainly in order to battle this well in my own life I want to start posting more about what truths I feel like I need to be dwelling on in the middle of the fight. So as I face them, I want to do a series of posts called Exposing Culture Shock. As I do this, I just want to share the ways the Lord IS near despite what my feelings often tell me... Not because I'm even battling well all the time but I want to battle well. I want contentment. I want to press into Him when the rubber meets the road...where I find myself.

The first truth I want to dwell on is simply that:

This is the best possible life for me.

A verse from the Psalms continues to come to my mind:

Psalm 32:8-10

The LORD says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control."

The Lord has led me to where I am in my life with good intentions. How quickly I cry out with Israel that he must have brought me into this desert to let me die! There is no other, better plan for me. I often say I believe in a sovereign God but I whine and pout inwardly when He is displaying the trait that makes Him God in an uncomfortable way in my life. He is meticulous and wise in sifting the trials and situations in my life so as to yield the best harvest. It doesn't often look or feel that way, does it? It feels too much like a furnace or like the discomfort will rub my heart raw. The Lord keeps reminding me when I feel that tension to humble myself. Remind myself that He's trustworthy. Not to be like the senseless horse or mule the Psalm was speaking of that has to be continually trained and disciplined to follow it's Master's lead. He chafes underneath authority. The resisting actually makes the thing more difficult, the training being more painful than needed. He acts like he doesn't trust His master. He resists because he thinks he knows better the way toward what is good for him.

I don't have to wonder if there's a better location or situation for me to be in. This is precisely where I need to be right now. And I am here - uncomfortable as I may be - so that I will get more of Him than I had previously. There is no "good thing" out there that I need or I would have it. Isn't that freeing? To sum up, Paul Tripp says:

This is the bottom line. The good that God promises me isn't a situation, possession, position or relationship. The good that God promises me is himself. What could possibly be a better gift than this?

A milestone.

Dear Job,

Last night something big happened to you. A milestone you could call it. You lost another tooth! That marks 3 so far...

Sometimes I look at you and remember well the days when you were so little, and I wondered who you would be at 6, when you were losing teeth. I felt so responsible to shape you and be there every moment of your sweet little life.

Now your a energetic little boy with a big heart. You love legos, drawing pictures and having "quiet time" with your Bible. A boy who loves to make others belly laugh. Who loves to serve and help. Who is still learning what it means to fully obey.

In a lot of ways we grew up together, you and I. God has used you to teach me so much about His grace, His patience and His gifts. Even now I have to remind myself that you are His and not mine.

So...

For now, I will watch with suspense to see who you will be. I have a front row seat.

And for now, I will pray and teach and instruct and listen and of course, struggle to do all those perfectly. But what better way to show you the gospel? I am a struggler too, son. I am still learning what it means to fully obey. We both need the same grace, from God and each other, each moment. But it's a beautiful life when we have this grace, isn't it?

I love you and want to pinch myself sometimes when I realize, I get to be your mom?!

Love,

Your Mommy

Before losing #3...after getting a "daddy" haircut as well: