There's been a lot on my mind this week. It's been one of those weeks that spiritual nourishment hasn't seemed to come easy. As this war for my heart rages on the shores of culture shock, I've needed to evaluate some wrong ideas of how the Christian life should look. A truth I've been chewing on and have set my heart to dwell on this upcoming week is simply:
Having deeper groans in this season IS grace.
What do I mean by that? I feel like I'm groaning a lot more than I have before in other seasons. I don't just mean grumbles I mean groans. Holy groans. Groaning because I want so much more right now. Groaning because I do miss my family. I do ache when I realize there's memories that will be made apart from us. Groaning cause this is hard. Groaning because I see so much shallowness in my trust of Jesus ... Because I realize now more than ever how held my heart is/was by earth. How narrow my views can become of what grace looks like right now, how grace feels. But I've been thinking about how groaning is right. Groaning is instructing me. The Word tells me:
Romans 8:23
And we believers groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us full rights as his adopted children.
Groaning is the sound of one caught between earth and heaven. Paul Tripp has said “Groaning is the default language of the Christian”. I think that's completely right but months ago I would have told you my groanings didn't go so deep. They've begun to sink in further as we've been here. I'm sure in my lifetime there are groanings deeper still that I know nothing of. But I don't have to pretend I'm not groaning. Indeed, if I do run from it or don't face them I rob the redemption right out of those holy sighs. God pursues me with my unsettledness and reminds me
...groaning is the plan Miranda. Groaning is my grace working deeper yearnings for spiritual things, things much fuller than those you set your love on before your groans unsettled you...
There's so much I've yet to learn about walking with a Father whose nature is so flaming with holiness, whose thoughts are so far from mine. He plans and directs and delights in seeing me loosen my grip on life...on control...on lesser loves...to liberate me. He knows I'll never find true peace or joy of soul when I'm white knuckled to the things of earth. Here's where I begin to see glimpses of grace in the groans.
What matters is what I do with my groans. God doesn't just want me to settle down comfortably into my groans but let them drive me outside of myself. Will I listen to my groaning? Holy groans tell me something. They show me I've been far too easily pleased. They remind me life isn't mine. That my ideas of grace and growth are far different than God's. That this earth indeed is not my home – no wonder I feel so uncomfortable. That I haven't yet receieved all that I know is mine. That I can't control life. But one thing is certain: If I don't turn with to Jesus with my groaning, it will simply bear no fruit.
I sometimes think that the whole of the Christians life is the art of asking questions. Our danger is just to allow things to happen to us and to endure them without saying anything apart from a groan, a grumble or a complaint.
Martyn-Lloyd Jones
To guard myself from this "danger" and press into God with my groans these next weeks, I'm going to slowly make my way through David Powlison's X-Ray Questions. This is a little booklet with 35 questions that help me see through to why I do what I do - to hear more clearly through my struggles. I will take it slow with a few questions a week, taking my time to work through brutally honest answers. I highly recommend this booklet if you find yourself looking for some good questioning too.
